


Objectifying John Sheppard (/Joe Flanigan): A Picspam

by bitter_crimson (Krim)



Series: Objectification Picspams [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate Atlantis RPF
Genre: Picspam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-19
Updated: 2009-09-19
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:03:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10595523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krim/pseuds/bitter_crimson
Summary: A completely gratuitous objectification of various parts of John Sheppard (/Joe Flanigan)'s body





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zed_pm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zed_pm/gifts).



  
Right off the bat, I realized that once again, I had a problem. It's just so difficult to chop John up into discrete objectifiable bits. They all form such a great package! There's hair (1), hands (2), mouth (3), arms (4), chest (5), holstered thighs (6), and those ever-elusive feet (7)!

    

Plus! There's also ears (3), and sometimes sunglasses (2), and things-in-mouth (4), and crossed arms (5), and let us not forget the crotch (7) with bonus gunporn!

    

But I thought to myself, "What would John Sheppard do in this situation?" And of course we all know that John never leaves someone behind. Thus, I resolved that I would do my duty to objectify each and every one of these parts, no matter how difficult the task before me! I started with that age-old favorite, his hair:

John's hair is legendary throughout two galaxies for refusing to take orders and lay flat.

Some have hypothesized that Sheppard's hair may actually be a sentient lifeform:

Although of course, it is difficult not to notice that the hair is never without the rest of Sheppard's head.

Those seasoned objectifiers among us know this is totally fine! It allows us to follow the line of hair down to another fabulous part: the eyes.

For hair and eyes, you see, are often found together.

(As well as with the ears, but don't worry, we'll have more on those later.)

It is, however, possible to isolate the eyes in certain cases:

They can be very intent when captured alone.

Other times they are dubious,

though intrigued.

When finding the eyes alone a bit too much to take...

It is sometimes wise to re-import the hair again.

Or, one could try to put a barrier between the eyes and oneself.

Which brings us to glasses porn.

A special form of this, of course, is sunglasses porn.

This is an objectification accessory Sheppard's eyes specialize very highly in.

Even while blowing stuff up,

or ~~bleeding to death~~ soaking up rays under the hot Vegas sun,

John's eyes always have time to don a nice pair of shades.

Which will now lead us back along the sunglasses to circle those ears.

The extreme pointiness of John's ears has long been noted.

However, it is possible that the tender biteability of the earlobes has been neglected as a result.

This could be because when thinking about biteability, that mouth simply distracts too much from the ears.

We viewers certainly cannot be blamed for that.

When faced with such a pair of lips,

stretched into such ludicrous positions (and with bonus eyelashes),

we cannot really be blamed for where our minds tend to go.

(However much that may make Joe pout.)

In reality, the lips cannot help but be pleased by all this attention.

In response, they grant us with a wide variety of lip poses.

We've got happy lips:

Tentative lips:

Stealth-tinted lips:

Lips pressed together in angst:

Hesitant lips:

Sometimes the lips get locked up in prison.

But even at a very early stage, the lips were busy showing off.

Sometimes they even clone themselves to that effect.

Additionally, you see, those lips are hiding something. That would be a tongue:

In fact, many things go well inside those lips. Fingers, for example:

As well as lots

of

food.

Crops also make the occasional incursion between John's lips.

As do certain phallic objects.

Sometimes the mouth is so overpowering that it must be cut off for its own good.

And in these cases, we find our attention slipping downward along the neck.

The neck is quite a fan of being tied up.

It also appreciates creative lighting.

(Very useful in marking the proper places to bite.)

The neck, like the mouth, has been showing off for quite some time now.

It often draws in other nearby body parts, such as ears, eyes, and mouth, to assist in its efforts.

And occasionally the neck feels the need to let something else spring forth:

Hair.

For, you see, the top of the head is not the only place hair can be objectified on John Sheppard. We must not neglect the appeal of face and neck stubble.

Particularly when it tempts us so.

In some occasions, the facial hair approaches a proper beard.

While in others in limits itself to a very fine dusting.

But regardless of the level of hairiness, facial and chest hair on John Sheppard is always a good thing.

Joe, obviously, agrees on this count.

But alas, sometimes the hair fades and we find our attention following the line of the neck and collarbone downward.

To the shoulders:

If exposed to too much sun, the shoulders might find themselves going pink.

...and the same might happen to the rest of the chest.

~~Tragically for us~~ Fortunately for the prevention of skin cancer, John Sheppard's chest finds itself frequently shielded from the sun via layers of clothing.

Thankfully, sometimes these clothes are thin enough for us to nearly see right through them.

In other occasions, we just have to wait for the right type of pose to ensure the clothing is stretched tight across those pectorals.

Now, on occasion the John Sheppard may try to disguise this region of itself.

The best course of action to take in these situations is to encourage the chest to stand tall and proud!

Or, you know, to get it to lie down and take a bit of a rest (perhaps with an accompanying crotch).

Or, if the chest is found obscured by arms, well, then it may just be time to move on to _that_ body part.

We will find them covered by a great deal of that much-appreciated body hair.

Their musculature is also quite impressive.

...as seen from another angle in the following shot:

The arms are generally playful,

but can get tense in times of great stress.

When this happens, it's best to perhaps let them have some time off for a break...

...while we move on to the back.

The back, one of those elusive body parts, rarely peeks out of its hiding place.

Sadly, the same can be said for that region directly below it:

The ass.

In order to catch even a glimpse of said ass, an objectifier must often result to fairly sneaky tactics. (Or receive a helpful [naked ass picspam addendum in the comments](http://bitter-crimson.livejournal.com/694203.html?thread=8229563#t8229563)!)

But the ass is not as hard to find as the feet, a part most often sequestered away inside a pair of boots.

Fortunately, they do on occasion come out to play, along with that part directly below the chest,

the Belleh.

Continuing our trail downward, we next find our eyes drawn to a region that is always a fan favorite.

The crotch.

The crotch is an extremely integral body part, forming that central piece that links all our other parts together.

For this reason, it is very important to take care of John's crotch. Unfortunately, it is often subjected to damage,

torture,

and even imprisonment.

This is why it is best to most often let the crotch roam free,

observing it in its natural habitat.

If we are lucky, we may even witness those occasions when the crotch dresses up in tight denim and spreads itself wide,

showing off those lovely limbs that extend from it,

Thighs.

Here, Joe helpfully indicates the body part in question with his hand.

Now, in other cases, we may have to console ourselves with objectifying thighs through denim.

But thankfully for us, Stargate Atlantis features one of the greatest military accessories ever created: thigh holsters.

These fantastic devices were invented to accentuate the thighs of the wearer.

As you can see, they do their job very well.

(And _how_.)

Now, some might say that the thigh holsters are actually for something else, having to do with hands and guns and whatnot, but we know the truth of the matter. That said, it is worthwhile to move on to that other associated part: hands.

John's hands are very expressive.

Sometimes they are stern.

On other occasions, they just want to play.

Or relax with a cold one.

(Although they know water is better for them.)

The hands are very hard workers, whether coiling rope,

performing a serenade,

putting on a show,

or playing a mean game of cards.

After all that intense daily work and stress,

John's hands like nothing more than to relax,

grab a hot meal,

and partake in a drink or two.

(Of course, the drink is always better when shared with a friend.)

But sadly for John's poor hands and happily for us, the hands are rarely graced with a moment of rest, because most of the time they are incredibly busy with

Gun Porn. (I'm talking about the weapon, here, not the other guns, those being the arms, of course. Not that those aren't an integral part of both types of gun porn.)

Here we see the "official" use for the thigh holsters coming into play.

And that is to carry around weapons so that John's hands can play with _them_.

Sometimes John needs to stroke his trigger finger down a friend's gun.

Not that he doesn't have plenty of his own.

Gun porn comes in handy when you are having an emergency.

Sometimes it's too intense for ~~Rodney~~ the viewer to take.

In that case, John would be happy to put you out of your misery.

(And of course, let us not forget to take note of the infamous wrist band accessory seen in many of these shots.)

Sometimes, sure, the gun porn can get to be a bit much.

In this case, it is more than fine to sit down, relax a minute, take a load off...

Reload...

And all right, we're ready to go again.

Truly, when it comes to John's hands and guns, there is a

veritable

barrage

of objectifiable material to be found.

It is more than enough to make one's lips part from all the excitement.

In fact, after all that, it would be wise of us to allow John a small break.

Perhaps he could recharge some by engaging in his favorite past-time, objectifying Rodney.

(Please, John, at least make an effort to be subtle.)

Okay, it looks like he's quite happy again now!

Ready to proceed with the next section of the spam.

Suit porn!

Here, John's torso and hands model a quite somber suit.

Though of course, there are always more casual options.

Sometimes it's nice to find a balance between the two.

Now, now, let's not have our attention wavering back to previous regions!

Let's get back on focus.

John can't understand why anyone _wouldn't_ want to see him in a suit.

Although he admits that wearing them makes him feel a little bashful.

So, we'll be gracious and let him return to more casual clothes for the moment.

But wait! What's that? I think John senses the next section coming...

Oh, that's right. It's bondage porn time!

John's body is always getting itself into these scrapes

Sometimes he gets completely tied up in it all.

But while he tries to put on a show of consternation...

...he can't keep it up for long.

John's face is just too open with its expressions to hide his true feelings.

Indeed, that is one of the things we love best about the face.

It has such a wide variety of expressions,

made possible by the combination of so many of our favorite parts: eyes, mouth,

and occasionally beard.

The wrinkled forehead of confusion puts in frequent appearances.

Although sometimes it just can't be bothered.

But leaving the face behind for now, we shall move on...

To our finale grab bag! Beginning with hands & thighs,

then moving to view them combined with arm and wristband in another position.

Here Joe's chest models a nice flannel print along with his arms and hand.

And here the hands pose alongside the neck.

Here are combined hands, arms, crotch and thighs.

While a smirk poses in recline with one hand.

A pair of hands accompany a bearded mouth.

While here, one hand rests on a denim-clad thigh while the other wraps around the shaft of a microphone.

But I am sure that at this point, many of you are worn out,

or perhaps bored,

or in need of some medical attention. (Well, I hope not!)

I understand that it must have been hard to get through this objectification process without someone or something to lean on.

Even John is feeling tired.

(In fact, I think he may be starting to go a little gray.)

But I hope that all this hard work of staring at John's deliciously hairy and muscled body has been worth it.

(John says it had better be, what with all he had to go through.)

And so, I will leave you with these final few shots.

Please be sure to nibble John on the neck a bit on your way out.

And then, go do whatever it is you need to do.

(Just be sure to wash yourself off afterward.)

THE END!


End file.
